How I Mourn, How I Cope

Greg always marveled at what an amazing project manager I am--mainly because of how well I was able to manage the logistics of his illness, all while working a demanding job. Being an editor is basically being a project manager, so I've had a lot of practice! I've realized recently that I've been, in a way, project managing my own mourning. In case this might be helpful to some, here are some of the things that have helped me cope:

-Breathing. Deep breaths.

-Focusing on each and every moment. Instead of going through the motions, I try to focus on each motion, no matter how mundane.

-Keeping busy, especially on the weekends. Friends have been good about reaching out to plan outings, and I've basically been saying yes to everything, but I also don't hesitate to do my own reaching out. When I want/need to schedule my weekends, I do. And it's been great to reconnect with friends I haven't seen for a while.

-Keeping busy, but not TOO busy: leaving myself some time to be alone, to grieve, to cry. And know that it's okay to feel sad. I don't want to avoid my grief. Also, a friend told me her therapist said that intense emotions generally last for 90 seconds and then subside. I haven't actually tested this theory, but it's a good reminder that "This too shall pass."

-Going to a Meet-Up group for widows and widowers under 45. I didn't know what to expect, but it turned out to be really great to connect with others who are going through the same thing.

-Reading. A few friends sent me books on loss (Healing After Loss and How to Survive the Loss of a Love--thank you Caroline and Christine!) and most nights I read a little before bed. 

-Reading blogs and listening to podcasts: I've also been reading some blogs written by widows or widowers. This one in particular. I've also been listening to the "What's Your Grief" podcast, by the women who run the website. Their post about secondary loss was particularly enlightening.

-Writing and journaling. I've always kept a journal, and I've been writing in it a little more often. Blogging a little more, too!

-Exercising. I've decided to run the NYC Marathon again this year, and going for runs in the cold winter air has been wonderful. Lots of walking, too, and I'm taking a Pilates class at work.

-Cleaning and organizing, rearranging the furniture in the apartment, getting new furniture. I've kept photos and other wall-hangings the same, but have rearranged the layout of the living room and bedroom (thank you to Rose, Jason, and Kirk!), which for me helps the apartment feel different and my own, while maintaining the familiarity. I've decluttered quite a bit. I also bought this Lumio lamp I'd been coveting ever since I saw it on Shark Tank years ago. It's a book that opens up into a lamp! It makes me happy.

-Getting massages. In general, taking care of myself.

-Brunch! Dinner! Wine! (see "taking care of myself" above.)

-Focusing on work. It was hard at first, of course--working all day in an office is exhausting! I don't know how anyone does it. But, by the end of my second week, I felt like I was really back. It was familiar, and good to focus.

-Doing small rituals. Another organization I'm in the process of joining (recommended by Gwen) called The Dinner Party sent me this article, and I realized that much of what I've done fits into this. Going through Greg's belongings. Listening to the music he loved. I found a woman who makes beautiful "bereavement quilts" out of ties, and I sent her Greg's many ties to make a wall hanging. I saw this "I have done love" bracelet on Cheryl Strayed's Instagram, and ordered one for myself. I wear it every day. It's from the quote: 

When I get to the end of my life, and I ask one final "What have I done?" Let my answer be: "I have done love." -Jennifer Pastiloff

Okay, that's all I can think of for now. 

It's starting to get light a little earlier--I can feel Spring coming! If you have other advice/techniques for coping and healing that you'd like to share, please do.

My birthday weekend

Yesterday was my 33rd birthday. I celebrated by having a third annual rooftop/terrace party at my apartment on Friday the 13th. I got back from CA late Wednesday night, worked Thursday and Friday, and then prepared for the party. It was a great turnout, although I tried to keep it a bit smaller than past years because my roommates were a little concerned about the roof caving in.

My brother Felix came up from DC for the weekend, which was great. I had coworkers, Randoms, Kidlit people, kickball people, and other friends, a nice balance and mix of folks, I think. I had been checking the weather obsessively, and it threatened scattered thunderstorms and showers, but after feeling a few tiny drops around 8 pm, the sky cleared up and it was the perfect night to be outside.I made four pitchers of sangria, four avocados worth of my "famous" white bean avocado dip, and supplied hot dogs for the grill. We had two Libertarians and a Communist, children's book authors and librarians, editors and designers, scientists and teachers and copywriters, etc. And cupcakes, of course! And I collected a great candy stash for yesterday. As usual, I don't feel that I got to talk to any guest a significant amount, as I was running around a lot, but I had a fantastic time--I love throwing parties. And late-night the party turned into a mini dance party, which was fun. A late-night diner run with the last guests, and then my brother and I walked back to my apartment as the sun came up.

Also saw Sicko that weekend (so sad!), went out to Williamsburg for a mellow party Saturday night, had dim sum with my brother on Sunday before putting him on the Chinatown bus, managed to squeeze in a quick run, then met up with an old friend from when I lived in Taiwan who was in town for a few days. I hadn't seen her in about nine years, and it was great to catch up.

And then on my real birthday, I went to work and ate candy. A ton of candy. And then saw the Decemberists at SummerStage. Once again, it had threatened rain earlier in the night, but it was a gorgeous evening, and a great concert. And I almost finished the huge lollipop.

I've never dreaded turning a certain age, but for some reason I was less than excited to be turning 33, but after reading this blog post over at the Disco Mermaids, I felt a bit better about it.

Thanks for the birthday wishes, everyone, and thanks to all who helped me have a wonderful birthday. Till next year...

pumpkin and costume answer

And the answer to the "which pumpkin is mine?" question:

Sara was right! You know me so well. But I wonder if it's because the pumpkin I carved in 2003 us suspiciously familiar:I wanted a scary pumpkin. But thanks for all of your guesses and kind reasons for why you thought a particular one was mine!

I marched in the NY Halloween parade on Tuesday in Greenwich Village, which was a lot of fun. I think 2003 might have been the last (and first) time I did it. I love seeing all the costumes, and was obsessed with a group of 15 or so people who all dressed as bananas. Here's a video:



And as for my costume, I was indeed a squid. My friend Julie's mom made this costume for her when she was in high school, and it's been making the rounds ever since.

And so now...it's the night before the marathon and I'm decompressing (not, as I mistakenly said earlier today, decomposing). I have butterflies--am both nervous and excited. I don't really doubt that I'll finish, but you never know what can happen. My left knee has been bothering me--popping. But I think I'll make it through.

I can't believe it's here! I think it'll be a big letdown afterwards, but I'll enjoy it while I can, and I'll enjoy my after party as well. Stay tuned for an update, I'll post on Monday at the latest--I'm taking the day off to relax and recover.

Oh, and the good news is that I've surpassed my fundraising goal, so thank you everyone for your support!

Countdown to the marathon, and thoughts on beauty

For some reason, I've been thinking that I have 3 weeks until the marathon, but I realized suddenly over the weekend that it's just 2 weeks away. There's a counter on the official ING Marathon website that kind of stresses me out, but really, I'm ready. Well, as ready as I'll ever be! Which if good, because it's too late to do anything about it, really. So until then, I'm just planning on eating a lot of pasta, doing a few short runs, and trying to wrap up my fundraising.

Speaking of fundraising, you can donate here for pediatric cancer research. I think I've gotten one blog-related donation so far! Thank you, thank you Kristy.

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For those of you in the NY area, you should definitely check out the Chihuly exhibit at the New York Botanical Garden in the Bronx--it's there until October 29th. I went there for Chihuly Nights last Thursday for Saho's Birthday, and it was breathtaking. Here are a few pics:

Or check out an exhibit somewhere near you.

It made me think about the different kind of beauty in the world. That something so artificial , and surrounded by nature, could still be so breathtaking. This past weekend I was surrounded by different kinds of beauty. I took a trip out to Princeton with two friends to visit Julie and have a girls' weekend.

Here is some of the beauty I encountered there:

The beauty of the blue sky, fluffy white clouds, and the green in an apple orchard on a brisk fall day...

the beauty of finding my first-ever four-leaf clover...

the beauty of warm homemade apple cake topped with homemade vanilla ice cream...

and, of course, the beauty of friends.

More babies

I'm heading to DC early tomorrow morning for Amy's baby shower. She's due next month. And I'm waiting for a call that could come any second telling me that Tanya's in labor. Her due date was Wednesday, but she'll likely not give birth until after the weekend. Babies, babies.

I found out today that Rich and Doris are officially new parents. Evan Lin was born this morning around 9 am. "Evan's my father's name!" I said. Rich hadn't known. "It's a good, strong name," he said. That it is. I'll meet Evan in December when I go home for the holidays. Can't wait! Congratulations to the new parents.

I have many other friends who have babies, but for some reason, this one felt a little different to me, and I actually felt a surge of emotion while talking to Rich on the phone--maybe it's because I remember Rich most from our carefree days in Taiwan, hanging out, smoking, going to dance clubs, singing Karaoke, living it up. And I've known Doris since 8th grade. Everything's different now, and it has been different for a long time now, but now their lives are changed forever. Whereas I feel that I'm still pretty much living the same carefree metropolitan life. It's funny how different life in NYC is compared to the rest of the country.

Anyway, I need to get up around 6:30 tomorrow morning, so am off to bed now. Since I'm out of town, I ran 10 miles tonight. And in record time (for me): 104 minutes! It was a beautiful night for a run, and I felt good.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

My weekend, and burnout prevention

I just had one of the best Sundays in a long time--because I had nothing planned. Well, I guess I had three things I wanted to do: laundry, clean the bathroom, and run 10 miles. And I did all three. I also was able to catch up with a Project Runway marathon, preparing for my run by eating leftover pepperoni from Tanya's baby shower.

I had a baby-filled weekend. My book group trip up to Westchester county was so wonderful. A 9-month baby to play with--I love that sturdy baby age, when their head no longer lolls around, when you don't feel like you're going to damage them by holding them. We talked about the book, of course, and our usual publishing gossip, and another thing we talked about was the possibility of burnout in our careers. Many of us were on the brink. The past few weeks have been extremely stressful, but I don't feel like I'm quite there--and I know that Sundays like this help prevent burnout. I overextend myself, I know. I want to go out, have fun, plan wedding showers and baby showers for my friends, read manuscript for all my coworkers, go to conferences, travel to visit friends, entertain friends and family in NY, run marathons, be in multiple book groups...it's part of the reason one of my New Year's resolutions was: Take more time for myself, don't over schedule, have at least one free night each week.

I don't know if I've quite fulfilled that resolution, so I should be more vigilant about it. Because unscheduled days like this go a long way in preventing burnout. I need to not think about work, not do any work.

Saturday was the baby shower--the mother-to-be managed to get up all 6 flights of stairs, and it was a lovely time. Antonella had her baby with her--about three-months-old, so not quite at the really sturdy stage, but getting there. So sweet. Great food--too much food. Food of our childhoods. Mini burgers, ants on a log, Flavorice, cupcakes decorated with umbrellas, Pringles, and more. In keeping with the theme, we played "stick the pacifier on the baby." Too bad there wasn't room to play musical chairs. It was a beautiful day, so we chilled on the terrace afterwards. Perfect, perfect, perfect weather.

And then today. I slept in, puttered around, posted the Blue Rose Girls' Question of the Week, and then did all the rest. I wasn't feeling too hot health-wise--have had a scratchy throat since Friday morning and was congested and sneezing all day Saturday, but my Rose told me that even when she's feeling under the weather, she finds that once she starts running she forgets about it, so I decided to run any way, and I'm glad I did.

It's funny--part of my motivation for making the whole 10 miles was that I knew I could write it in my blog. At the conference I talked to a few people about running marathons, and running in general, and one thing we agreed on is the attraction to the sport in that it's uniquely measurable. Nobody can take away the fact that I've run 10 miles. When I started running in college, I had never run even one mile without stopping, and because of this I was so proud at each milestone. On the way back from the track, I would stop in my floormates room and announce how far I'd run. After a few weeks of this, my friend said in an annoyed tone, "Why do you always announce how far you ran?" and I realized that it was a motivating factor for me, I was proud of my progress and wanted to announce it.

So, this blog is good for something, I guess. I RAN 10 MILES TODAY! There. Next week, I plan to run 11 miles, the most I've ever run. And then the half marathon is in two weeks. I'm feeling good about it. But I'm not going to overdo the training--don't want to burn out before November.

I'm famous!

Every now and then I think about writing about my career, but never get around to it. But I just did this lengthy interview that's up now on www.thecareercookbook.com, so read all about me if you want. Thanks to Jarrett for referring them to me.

Just got back from Julie and Jim's wedding in Deerfield, MA. It was an incredible time, so unique and perfect and fun, and full of this amazing couple's personality. It was great to see old friends, make some new ones, and just enjoy a weekend away from the city. I'm so honored that they included me in their special day. They had a zydeco band perform at the reception--months ago, when I heard that this was the plan and also heard about Jim's "No 80s music" rule, I was a little apprehensive. But I have to say, I didn't even miss the 80s music. High praise indeed, coming from me.

A few pics (had to throw in the one of the beautiful cakes from the dessert party on Friday night):