Saturday, February 25, 2006

Looking back, looking forward

Last Friday was the year anniversary of moving out of my old apartment I shared with my ex. I always like to take note of the landmarks and see how far I've come--that's one thing I like about New Year's, it's a time to reflect on the past year and to look forward to the new. It's hard to believe it's already been a year, but at the same time, so much has happened, so much has changed. And I'm not one to regret things or wish things could be different, and as traumatic as things were, I don't really wish that the events hadn't happened the way they did.

I did something symbolic last week, and I almost didn't go through with it, but in the end I'm glad I did. I think it will let me truly move on. I feel better, I feel freer. And I also feel sad and guilty and selfish. But I did it.

Img_1968Anniversaries, looking back. I like to read my old journals to help me reflect on how I've changed, and how I've stayed the same. I've kept a diary fairly faithfully since I was ten. They're all stacked up at my parents' house, and I have quite a few with me as well. I'm not really sure what I gain from it, except it's a great record of how I was feeling at the time and helps me put things in perspective. For example, there was one relationship that I had totally put on a pedestal in my head, and when I went back to reread my diary entries from that time, I was shocked to see that I was just as stressed out and insecure as I've been in other relationships.

I think I did okay a year ago with the situation--in fact, better than okay--but when I look back I also see how I acted out. And I also see how I dealt with dating again, and see that I truly wasn't ready, that I rushed into it, but at the same time, I think everything that happened helped me be stronger. Our experiences and how we deal with them makes us who we are, and although I'm not proud of everything I've done, I can never say I truly regret anything, because I wouldn't be where I am without those experiences and decisions.

And now, to look forward. I make New Year's Resolutions every year, and I know it's almost March, but I'd might as well record them here and check in on how I'm doing. It's never too late! These are my resolutions as recorded in my journal in January:

1. Reduce my debt by 1/3 (still doable, despite an expensive, but totally worth it, trip to Thailand. Although now Chris is telling me my computer is shot and that I should buy a new one. Ugg. And also I spent almost $600 yesterday at the optometrist buying contact lenses and new glasses. Ugg again.)
2. Exercise at least 100 times this year, not including walking. But yoga counts. (I've exercised 16 times so far this year. Pretty much on track.)
3. Fall in love! I had originally thought to say "Find my soul mate" but figured this was less pressure. (No comment on this one, don't want to jinx things...)
4. Acquire 3 books at work
5.Run a half marathon (at least). (I'm signed up for a 10 miles run in DC on April 2, so that will put me much closer. I'm also planning to enter the lottery for the NYC Marathon, so we'll see if I make it in. I ran my personal farthest last weekend: 7.74 miles!)
6.Take more time for myself, don't over schedule, have at least one free night each week. (So far, so good! And it feels great, I'm less stressed, spend less money)
7. No candy, except on my birthday, and also excluding situations where not partaking would be impolite or be missing out on a new experience. (this is my 4th year doing this, piece of cake. Speaking of cake...)
8. Only eight (sweet) baked goods a week. (So far so good, although it's been tough, I'll admit.)
9. Call an old friend or family member at least once a week. (not sure if I've done this, although I've definitely tried to keep in touch better with people. You may be hearing from me!)
10. Update my blog at least once a week. (I don't think I've succeeded at this, but I've written more than I might have otherwise)
11. Keep track of expenses (I killed my Palm Pilot in Thailand, and since that's where I kept track of my expenses, this has fallen by the wayside. But I'll either get it fixed or buy a notebook to start doing this again)
12. Obsess less. Learn to identify the things I have no control over and let them go. (I don't think I obsess more than normal, but I hate doing it)
13. Volunteer more (I'm looking into getting involved with CASA--Court Appointed Special Advocates)

That's all I had. We'll see how it goes. I think I'll add one more to avoid unlucky 13:

14. Clear the clutter from my life both at home and at work. Clean my room/desk at least once a month.

Okay. Time to get some work done. We'll see how I do on these resolutions.

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