Coincidences and triggers

On my flight back to NYC from Dallas, I decide to watch the movie Late Night, that Mindy Kaling/Emma Thompson movie. I find it entertaining enough, and it even moves me to tears a few times. And then, towards the end of the movie, Emma Thompson’s character goes to Mindy Kaling’s new apartment (supposedly out in Coney Island), and ends up climbing the stairs to her apartment. As she climbs the stairs, I think—uh, those stairs looks familiar. Those look like the stairs in the apartment Greg and I lived in Crown Heights for three years. They looked like the stairs in the apartment we were living in when he died.

But, no. So many stairwells in NYC apartments looks similar, right? It can’t be.

But, then she’s up the stairs and all of a sudden she’s knocking on apartment 6C. We lived in 6C. It’s the exact apartment Greg and I lived in. 

THAT'S MY DOOR.

And then they’re in the apartment, and I’d recognize that crown molding and wall trim anywhere. I’d recognize that floor anywhere. It’s the same layout. It's our apartment.

And then of course I wonder, when did they film this? Did they film this right after I moved out? Did they know they were filming the movie in the apartment where someone lay dying for three years?

(I looked it up, and they filmed it last year, in 2018. I moved out in Fall 2016. So, not right after.)

And then I had to laugh a little, because we all talk about trigger warnings, and this movie should have had one just for me: "Alvina Ling, please be advised that this movie will feature the apartment that you and your husband were living in together when he died." But really, now that it’s been almost four years since Greg died, I’m used to it. I mean, so many things remind me of Greg, but I don’t get emotional. I can recount story after story about him without feeling sad (usually). I live a block away from that apartment, on the exact same street, and I walk by that apartment multiple times a week and although I do always take note, I'm fine. But seeing the inside of that specific apartment so unexpectedly was...well, startling.

But, I do love coincidences, though. I mean, really--what are the chances? So, I felt compelled to share. 

We'd love your feedback!

Hi, all! Whether you've listened to an episode or not, whether you subscribe or not, Grace and I would love your input on how to improve our podcast, Book Friends Forever.

The survey is here, and it shouldn't take more than four minutes of your time. Thank you in advance!

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Book Friends Forever podcast!

I have news! Grace Lin and I have launched a new podcast together. It's called Book Friends Forever, and you should be able to subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts. You can also listen on Soundcloud here:



Grace launched the Kidlit Women podcast last year, and we had been talking about doing another podcast together when our team at Hachette Audio mentioned that they were open to producing podcasts. I told them about Grace and my idea, and they agreed to edit and produce it, which has been wonderful.

We try to post a new episode every Thursday. We talk about publishing, life, family, and more. Each episode we catch up with each other's life, take a trip down memory lane, talk about what's on our minds, and share what we're grateful for. So far, we've talked about how we define success, being widows, work-life-balance, micro-aggressions, and more.

We've been having a great time doing it. Honestly, I'm a podcast junkie, and it's been my dream for a long time to do a podcast. When people ask me what I'd be doing if I weren't in publishing, I say I'd love to be working in radio or podcasting. I did radio in college (KALX Berkeley! 90.7), and loved it.

It's also been nice talking to Grace regularly! We generally email, so it's been nice to hear her voice once a week. I hope you'll check it out, and if you like what you hear, please subscribe and rate and review us on iTunes! Thanks!

Breathe, Balance, and Joy

I'm at my parents' house for the holidays. The change of scenery has been good, especially now when it's hard to not think about what was happening at this time last year. I've been spending lots of time with family and old friends. I've already seen 22 children--cousins' kids, niece and nephews, friends' kids. So many kids!

It's been pouring rain pretty much every day in Southern California, but today the sun is finally out and I took a walk in my parents' backyard. Where Greg and I were married.

This song popped in my head:




Greg used this song when he proposed to me. I haven't listened to it in a while. The lyrics have taken on a different meaning.

So many memories. It's hard to believe it's been a year since he was taken from me.

I do hope he's a peace and not haunting me. I've been at peace myself, overall. No magical thinking for me--at least, not after the first few months.

Here are a few things I'd like to share, ways I've been able to honor Greg this past year.

On what would have been our wedding anniversary, I got a tattoo in his honor:

If you notice the necklace I'm wearing, it was a gift from my friend Rose. It's a necklace in the shape of Iowa, with the geographic coordinates of where Greg is buried.

It was such a touching gift, and I wear the necklace almost every day.

Speaking of touching gifts, my company, Hachette Book Group, who has been so supportive, gave me the gift of a paving stone in Central Park, where Greg and I were engaged, and spent a lot of time together going on walks during the summer he was first getting chemo.

It's on one of the bridges to the reservoir, around 85th Street on the East side. Go see it if you're in Central Park.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I decided to have Greg's ties made into a bereavement quilt. He had a lot of ties! He wore them to teach.

I found Rosie Rhine online, and will say that she does beautiful work:

I'm going to hang it in my new condo. (Did I mention I'm a homeowner now?!)

Right after my closing with my keys!

moving in

Oh, and I ran the NYC marathon! I do still intend to blog about it (I got a little derailed by the election results--more grieving!), but for now, here are a few photos:

Alvina's Team for Greg raised over $26,000 for cancer research! Thank you to all who donated.

Alvina's Team for Greg! Clockwise from left: Kate, Ellen, Kirk, Jackson, Frank, and me.

photo by Mariko Nakatani

(By the way, I'm considering running again next year, so let me know if you're interested in joining my team!)

It's been a challenging, but rewarding, and amazing year. A year filled with lots of tears, and laughter, a few breakdowns, incredible stress, work challenges and triumphs, therapy, new friends, old friends, family, travel, great food and drink, adventure, and love. Despite everything, I do feel that I have a blessed life. I wish Greg were still here to share it with me, but I know he's rooting for me.

When I packed and unpacked, I did unearth many more memories of Greg. He used to leave me notes everywhere. Here is one of my favorites:

My mantras this year were imprinted on my rings. Breathe, Balance, and Joy.

I've ordered three new rings for next year. New year, new mantra.

Wishing you all a happy holiday season, and a peaceful and joyful new year.

Happy Thanksgiving

I'm thankful for friends and family, for warm memories, new beginnings, and love.

I'm thankful that I'm not just surviving the year, but living.

I'm thankful for travel, good food, good drink, laughter, tears, and conversation.

I'm thankful for sleep, and thoughts, and dreams.

I'm thankful for health and running. Of running with friends, of running with strangers cheering me on.

I'm thankful that there's good in the world to battle the evil. Thankful for hope. For action, for activism.

I'm thankful for the beauty of nature. For the sky.

I'm thankful for music. And karaoke.

I'm thankful for gelato, and pasta, and aperol spritzers.

I'm thankful for the children's book community--the books, the people, the readers.

I'm thankful for my beautiful new home (even though the heat isn't working properly right now!), and my old(ish), furry cat.

I'm thankful for the kindness of strangers, of acquaintances, of colleagues, of friends, of loved ones.

I'm thankful for all of you!

Ode to long-distance running

I did a 10.75 mile run this weekend--was only ("only") planning to run 10 miles, but ended up running farther to finish up the Prospect Park loop--because, you know, I couldn't not finish the loop. So much of long-distance running is a mental game (although, of course, training helps)!

My run started off sluggish, but after a few miles I was feeling really great--the weather on Saturday was unusually cool and Fall-like in New York, and I was getting that runner's high feeling that I could run faster, and run forever. And, I started feeling really happy and grateful that I brought long-distance running back into my life. I talk about marathon training and running sometimes when I speak at writer's conferences. About how one of the things that's most satisfying about running is that it's perfectly measurable. I ran 10.75 miles this weekend. I ran it with an average of a 10 minute, 20 second mile. Those are accomplishments that can't be taken away. Writing a book, even if it's never published, is also that kind of accomplishment.

Long-distance running--really, any kind of running--helps me think and get my head sorted. I generally like listening to podcasts when I run, but I often just let myself think. Sometimes I do work while running--draft emails in my head, think through problems. But, usually I just think about my life.

I prefer running outside with nature. Try to take in my surroundings. I love the solid feel of the ground under my feet. Sometimes I people watch while I run. There's always a lot going on in Prospect Park. Plus, I love looking at the sky.

A scene from an evening run in Prospect Park

When I ran the marathon ten years ago, I was actually in the process of going through a break-up. Running after (and during!) break-ups have always helped me put things in perspective (and, let's be honest, get back into dating shape!). And, believe me, I had a lot of time to think about things and the relationship while running the marathon. It gave me the peace and clarity to know that even though it would be painful, I would get through it. And, I did. There's nothing like running 26.2 miles to help you believe that you can accomplish anything, survive anything.

Training for the marathon this year has helped give me that same peace and clarity after Greg's death. Once again, I know I can get through it. I can do anything. It also gives me time to be alone without feeling lonely. I'm so glad I decided to run the marathon again this year, both to help raise money for cancer research, and for my physical and mental health.

I had a good weekend. Didn't do any work (although I could/should have), but had nice dinners with friends Friday and Saturday evenings, binge-watched some Mr. Robot, and spent a marvelous day today at the beach. Beautiful, peaceful, lovely. I swam in the ocean twice, and it felt exquisite--I honestly don't recall the last time I swam in the ocean, but I should really do it more often.

I hope you all had nice weekends, too.

Six months, random email drafts

Since I've started writing on this blog again, it felt odd to not acknowledge that it's now been over six months since Greg died. I was at ALA for the actual day (June 25), which was a suitable distraction (and a great time overall). It helped that Grace Lin was there with me, for sure! And, Grace surprised me at our Middle Grade luncheon by telling everyone the story of our friendship, talking about how we had both lost our husbands to sarcoma, and announcing that she had dedicated When the Sea Turned to Silver to me, and had gotten the help of Little, Brown to keep it a secret from me, until then! Tears! And, Grace had solicited the help of Colby Sharp to record it all for the Yarn podcast, so stay tuned:

One of the most magical moments of #alaac16. I'm glad I captured it for @theyarnpodcast. pic.twitter.com/RnbYDleXhr

— Mr. ©olby Sharp (@colbysharp) June 28, 2016

Six months. After Greg died, getting to six months was my goal. If I could make it to six months, I would feel myself again, start really living again. Of course, I know that's not how grief works. No doubt I'll have ups and downs and setbacks forever. But, for the record, I do feel like me again, and I've been living life this whole year.

On occasion (okay, more than I'd care to admit), I look back at old emails from Greg. Which reminds me of this article a friend shared with me on Facebook after my last blog post.

Here's a silly email Greg had sent me around the time Kobe Bryant had announced his retirement from basketball with a poem. Of course Greg had to write a poem, too.

I wrote a poem for you.  It is titled "Love."

L.  Without this letter, I could not spell the word "love." Or the word "Alina." 

O. Like a circle, this letter makes a complete circle. 

V. Add this letter to "Alina" and you get "Alvina."  Or "Valina."  Or a range of things. 

E.  "Love" spelled backwards is "Evol," which begins with the letter "E." 

*Inspired by Kobe Bryant

Gosh, this made me laugh.

The other day, I was also looking at my old email drafts. Sometimes I use email drafts as a type of journal, but I don't often go back and look. Here are a few I discovered that felt worth sharing:

Date: 8/29/13

Subject: No subject

What I'm terrified of is that I'll never get the healthy Greg back, I'll never see the man I married again, the man I went on that first date with. I love him so much, and although for the most part I can remain optimistic, that it's hard for me to fathom him dying any time soon, in the back of my mind I know that it might happen, and part of me is preparing myself for that, too. How will I cope by myself, where will I live, what will I do. Who will I hang out with. Will I have a child by myself? Will I ever find someone new?

But no...I will have a long, beautiful life with Greg. He will get stronger and stronger, and the cancer will stay away. Maybe it will come back 10 years from now, maybe something else will happen years from now, but for now, we'll get back to our normal life. We will start trying to have a baby. We will live.

I don't know where I was when I wrote this. Possibly while Greg was getting his last round of chemo, when his body was still recovering from surgery, when he was very ill and very weak. Or maybe while I was waiting for him to get scanned. It does reflect my general philosophy of hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. And, well, now I know where I will live, what I will do, who I will hang out with. Still to be determined: whether I will have a child by myself, or if I'll ever find someone new (although I have hope!).

Date: 9/12/13

Subject: No subject

Waiting with Greg in the room, waiting for Dr. Maki to come in after he reviewed the scans. I was imagining how he would break the news to us. Would he tell us immediately? Of course he would, this wasn't a competition reality show like I've been watching so many of--American Idol where they draw everything out excruciatingly. "I have bad news...I'm really sorry to have to tell you this...but you're not going to have to see me again for another four months...because the scan is clear!" 

This was on the day we found out Greg's scans were clean after he completed chemo. And, Dr, Maki told us the good news right away, of course. 

I'm remembering that this was also the day I found out that my friend James had died.

Date: 1/20/14 

Subject: Greg's obituary 

The cause of death was death. He died, unfortunately, after a long battle with death.

I don't remember why I wrote it. This was about ten days after we discovered that the cancer had recurred, so death was on my mind. Or, it could have been because Greg told me to write it down, that that's all he wanted his obituary to say...so much for that. I have to stop feeling that I've somehow let Greg down in how I've handled things after his death, how I'm living now. I know he wouldn't want me to feel that way--he even told me that before he died. But, of course, part of me can't stop overthinking things. 

It's a long weekend, and I'm sticking close to home, trying to recuperate from my crazy few months. I've been feeling a little more pensive and melancholy lately, but I'll be okay. Life is full of ups and downs. The mortgage to my condo is still chugging along--the condo has some paperwork to file still, but I'm hoping to be able to close this month (how is it July already?) or next month. I'm excited (and nervous) to move and start a new chapter of my life.

Random update/musings

It's been a while since I've posted. I'm losing count of how long it's been since Greg died, which I sometimes take as somewhat of a good sign. It's been just over five months (who am I kidding, I haven't really lost count). And how am I doing?

I think I've been too busy lately. Traveling a bunch (Bologna Book Fair, Sedona and Grand Canyon vacation, was in Chicago for Book Expo America a few weeks ago, and am in Pittsburgh right now for three nights. Am doing the NJ SCBWI conference next weekend, then off to Orlando for ALA later in June, then California for the LA SCBWI Annual conference at the end of July/beginning of August), busy editing some late books, juggling creative and administrative work, and trying to wade through my 1,700-and-growing-work-email inbox. (Apologies to agents, authors, and coworkers for whom I've become a black hole. I'm hoping it's temporary.)

I've started training for the marathon in a less-haphazard way as before. Trying to do some long runs on the weekends. Ran my second ten-mile run of the month yesterday, and felt great doing it. I'm running a half marathon on June 18.

I've been going out almost every night--work events and hanging out with friends. Seeing plays (Eclipsed was particularly excellent). I'm in Pittsburgh right now hanging out with friends, and am seeing a Beyonce concert tomorrow night. #Lemonade!

More huge news: I sent in my contract and deposit on a new condo that I'm in the process of buying. Feeling excited thinking about starting a fresh, new life there, but also really sad that I'm doing it alone, without Greg. (Thank goodness for my cat, at least.)

This post perfectly captures this push and pull of emotions I've been having recently:

And still, running underneath all of that is such a deep, pervasive sadness. Knowing that the work I do now is happening only because my love died. Knowing that the people I’m meeting now, the friendships and professional relationships I’m building, are happening only because he died. If he were here, other beautiful things would be happening. If he were here, my life would be so different.

I can't help but wonder all the time, What Would Greg Do? What Would Greg Think? Would he approve of my choice for a new condo? Would he worry about me living there alone? I get particularly pensive when I travel, because I become hyper-aware of the circumstances under which I've been able to travel again.

I've been thinking about starting to date again, too, and it feels daunting and scary (but also a little exciting). After Greg died, I set an alarm on my phone for six months--June 25. "You will love and be loved again." Greg had told me that he assumed I would be "broken up" for about six months after he died. Once again, I'm thankful that Greg was clear to me about his expectations--I don't have to worry/think too hard about What Greg would want, what he would think. In some things, I know, and that gives me a little bit of peace.

RIP

When Greg was in the hospital, and was fairly sure he was dying, he made all kinds of preparations, including writing down for me exactly what he wanted on his gravestone, and where he wanted to be buried.

Yesterday, I was sent this photo:

The subject line just said "Stone" and I opened it without thinking, and there it was. I knew it was coming--after all, I had chosen the stone and seen a proof of what it would look like back in January. I knew it would take some time to make, and wouldn't be placed until Spring, after the ground thawed. Still--it was unexpected, and I probably shouldn't have opened the email at work.

But, it's beautiful. And I'm at peace knowing that this is what Greg wanted. And as several friends have told me, it's such a testament to our love. It's just so surreal and sobering thinking that his body is buried underneath there.

Someday I'll travel out to Iowa to see it in person.

Spring has arrived in New York. The weather has been absolutely gorgeous. I've been going on runs and long walks. Surrounding myself with friends and family. I've been apartment hunting (looking to potentially buy a place). I've been traveling for pleasure (Sedona and the Grand Canyon) and for work (the Bologna Book Fair in Italy). My life is good. But, of course, I miss Greg every day.

I'm running the marathon! (again)

As some of you know, I've decided to run the NYC Marathon again this year, in memory of my husband Greg.

I last ran the marathon 10 years ago, in 2006, in honor of my friend Grace Lin's now-late husband Robert. Hard to believe it's been 10 years!

Once again, I'm running with Fred's Team to raise money for Memorial Sloan Kettering cancer research.

I hope you'll consider donating here:

http://mskcc.convio.net/goto/alvinaandgreg

I know so many of you (friends, acquaintances, and even strangers) have already generously donated to Mt. Sinai or the Sarcoma Foundation--and I thank you! Even if you've already donated, I hope you'll consider donating an additional $26.20, in honor of the 26.2 miles I am my teammates are planning to run! Greg was in the care of MSK for the last 9 months or so of his life, and they're making great strides towards finding a cure for cancer.

This time, I've formed a Team, called "Alvina's Team for Greg", and a few friends have already signed up to join me. If you're a runner (or even if you're not), and you've had any desire at all to run the NYC Marathon, you should run with us! Joining Fred's Team gives you automatic entry into the marathon (there's a minimum fundraising requirement of $3,500). They do have a limited number of slots, which tend to fill up in the summer, so if you're interested in joining, you should do so in the next few months!

You can join via the Team page.

(If you would like to join the team, let me know and I'll give you the password to join.)

Thank you, all. I hope you'll consider donating, running with me, or just cheering me on! And if you are so moved, feel free to help me spread the news.