Coincidences and triggers

On my flight back to NYC from Dallas, I decide to watch the movie Late Night, that Mindy Kaling/Emma Thompson movie. I find it entertaining enough, and it even moves me to tears a few times. And then, towards the end of the movie, Emma Thompson’s character goes to Mindy Kaling’s new apartment (supposedly out in Coney Island), and ends up climbing the stairs to her apartment. As she climbs the stairs, I think—uh, those stairs looks familiar. Those look like the stairs in the apartment Greg and I lived in Crown Heights for three years. They looked like the stairs in the apartment we were living in when he died.

But, no. So many stairwells in NYC apartments looks similar, right? It can’t be.

But, then she’s up the stairs and all of a sudden she’s knocking on apartment 6C. We lived in 6C. It’s the exact apartment Greg and I lived in. 

THAT'S MY DOOR.

And then they’re in the apartment, and I’d recognize that crown molding and wall trim anywhere. I’d recognize that floor anywhere. It’s the same layout. It's our apartment.

And then of course I wonder, when did they film this? Did they film this right after I moved out? Did they know they were filming the movie in the apartment where someone lay dying for three years?

(I looked it up, and they filmed it last year, in 2018. I moved out in Fall 2016. So, not right after.)

And then I had to laugh a little, because we all talk about trigger warnings, and this movie should have had one just for me: "Alvina Ling, please be advised that this movie will feature the apartment that you and your husband were living in together when he died." But really, now that it’s been almost four years since Greg died, I’m used to it. I mean, so many things remind me of Greg, but I don’t get emotional. I can recount story after story about him without feeling sad (usually). I live a block away from that apartment, on the exact same street, and I walk by that apartment multiple times a week and although I do always take note, I'm fine. But seeing the inside of that specific apartment so unexpectedly was...well, startling.

But, I do love coincidences, though. I mean, really--what are the chances? So, I felt compelled to share. 

hat

This past weekend I went to my friend Heather's apartment party in South Brooklyn, and then shared a car with friends to Williamsburg. The next morning, which was freezing cold, I discovered that I had lost my hat. Below is an actual email exchange with my friends earlier this week. I've pasted the emails chronologically. Email addresses and last names have been deleted, but otherwise this exchange is listed verbatim.


From: Heather
Subject: Re: found!
To:
(left at my house after the party)
8 oz. stainless steel flask
containing vodka (?)
anybody know who's it is?

On 2/6/07, Alvina wrote:
Nope--you didn't by any chance find an off-white winter hat, did you? I think I may have left it in the car. Oh well.

On 2/6/07, Sarah wrote:
um... we found an off-white winter hat in the car we took to williamsburg... and the driver told us to take it...

On 2/6/07, Alexis wrote:
did you call the car service # provided by patrick? maybe alvina left it in the car we took, and then he came back to the same party and you guys got it!

On 2/6/07, Alvina wrote:
hahaha--seriously?!?! I'm pretty sure I was wearing it while we were waiting for the car, and then the next morning I didn't have it, so it must have been left in the car or dropped on the ground...

On 2/6/07, Mariko wrote:
wow! i had a feeling that it was one of our friends'. i was like "oh of course i'd take it. it's one of my friends'" then realized "wait, how could it be?" but the driver insisted so we took it. i even wrote a craigslist ad about it

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/laf/273273825.html

On 2/6/07, heather wrote:
that's awesome.

On 2/6/07, Jessie wrote:
wow. all so...serendipitous.the only person i saw with a flask was claudia...could it be hers?

On 2/6/07, Alvina wrote:
I can't believe you posted that Craigslist ad! It's definitely mine. I just saw Sarah at Maya's birthday drinks and she described it to me.

First you had my scarf, now my hat. You guys are my winter wear lifesavers.

*********************************


Now, when I really think about it, it makes sense. It was the same car service number that was called, and the driver must have guessed that since he picked us up from the same party, it was likely that we knew each other. But still, it seemed rather unlikely that I would ever see that hat again. And it was nice for him to insist that my friends take the hat. Not quite like the cabbie who returned the diamonds left in his cab, but damn close.

What's in a name?

I've had this post partially written for a few months now, but when someone drew my attention to this post and others I thought it would be timely to finish it--although I'm not really writing about the same thing.

When I was little, I hated my name. It was unusual, and people always pronounced it wrong: Al-VINE-a, or Alvin, or Alvinia, etc. (It's pronounced Al-VEE-na) And since I was already struggling with being an Asian American growing up in mostly white communities, it was just another thing to make me different. I always wished my name was Amy, or Alicia, or Allison (always names starting with "A" of course...). Of course, now I love my name. There are tons of Amys in the world, not that many Alvinas, and now that I'm comfortable with who I am, I'm comfortable fitting in my name as well.

My parents picked my name out of a baby name book. They had narrowed my name down to two choices: Alvina and Melody (which is why Grace changes my character's name in Year of the Dog to "Melody"). They ended up going with "Alvina" because they thought it was a beautiful name, and they also liked the meaning of it. In the book they had, it meant "Beloved by all." Nice, right? But part of me wonders, what's in a name?

When I worked at B&N as a bookseller, one of my coworkers got into a book called The Name Book by Pierre Le Rouzie (I think it's OP now--but I actually ended up buying it and still have my copy). This was one of those personality or astrology-type books, but this one explored "the ancestry of names and reveals how names define our personality." Part of the author's note says this:

a name can change an individual, and can affect one's personality and, to a certain extent, destiny. This helps us understand what at first seems unbelievable--that names can have a direct influence on people.

I don't really trust this book, because I'm skeptical about all personality predictors partially due to a story Grace told me about how in high school her class sent handwriting samples to a company to get a personality analysis back, and when the results came in the teacher passed them out and asked everyone how accurately they thought the results reflected their personalities, and almost everyone thought they were pretty accurate, and then the teacher revealed the everyone had received the exact same results.

But still, this book got me thinking. As we've found in Libby's post on names and faces, I think many people expect a certain type of person to go with their name. For example, I certainly get a picture in my head if someone's name is "Candy" versus "Katherine." And then there's the way people make their name fit--take the name "Jennifer." There are people who never ever ever want to be called "Jenny," whereas for some people it fits. I think people must sense subconsciously the expectations of the people around them, and expectations they have of themselves.

I've known my whole life that my parents named me because of the meaning of my name. Beloved by all. And not to say that I actually AM beloved by all, but I wonder if the fact that I grew up wanting to please everyone, wanting to be liked by everyone, is in part because I wanted to live up to the meaning of my name. Sure, to a certain extent it's just human nature to want to be liked by everyone, but sometimes I felt that the feeling was stronger for me, that my actions were more motivated by this than other's were. When I tell people what my name means, they think it's nice, some people say it's fitting. I know I'm not really beloved by all. I've had a few people I've known throughout my life who have actively disliked me, and I think that hurt me more than it might have hurt other people. I cared too much.

After googling myself last year, I came across a blog with the picture above. Could there be another person with both my first and last name in the world? As it turns out, yes. She's a teenager in Singapore, and she has a blog, too. Her email was listed, so I emailed her a while ago just to say hi. She pronounces her name the same way I do. I wonder if our personalities are similar at all. I wonder how much being named "Alvina" has shaped her.

Connections and coincidences abound, my appearance on the Tonight Show, and my weekend adventures

After reading this post, Rita emailed me and informed me/reminded me of a few more coincidences that I'd like to write about. I love coincidences, like this one, and also love hearing about how people know each other, especially if the connection is a tenuous one, which is one of the tiny reasons why I love my group of friends I call the Randoms.

So, here are the Rita stories. First of all, we first met because of coincidences. I was a speaker at the LA SCBWI conference last year, and after my talk people lined up to talk to me (I felt very popular). When I got to this one woman, she looked embarrassed and said something about how she didn't really have a question, but she wanted to say that she thought we had two people in common. The first was a friend of hers named Calvin who was doing consulting at my company--yes! I knew him! (I remembered sitting in meetings and watching him taking notes in between nodding off.) And the second was that she was married to Damon, who I was friends with in college. I think he lived on the same dorm floor freshman year as one of my high school friends, and coincidentally one of HIS high school friends lived one floor below me in MY dorm. And that high school friend turned out to be one of Rita's best friends (Rita and Damon also went to high school together). It's all connected, right?

So Rita and I saw each other a bunch at the conference, kept in touch, read each other's blogs. My post on things I want to learn/try spurred her to email me about the Fiesta Bowl parade--she had marched in it, too--senior year of high school, as the clarinet section leader, front and center, setting the pace for the whole band. And you know what? ME, TOO! ME, TOO! Senior year of high school I was also the clarinet section leader, and also marched front and center, setting the pace for my marching band.

But that's not all:

About five or so years ago I was home for Thanksgiving, playing pool with my brothers in the basement, and the TV was on (but we weren't really watching,) and it was tuned to the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. I actually think it may have been a repeat of an old show, because I don't think it was that late, but I'm not sure. Anyway, he was doing a skit about the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade with one other person, and there was some generic parade footage playing behind them. I kinda glanced at it and after seeing a banner I realized that the parade footage they were using was the Fiesta Bowl parade.

"Hey, that's the Fiesta Bowl parade!" I said to my brothers. We started to watch.
"Wait...omigod, that's Diamond Bar!" (our high school)

Sure enough, it was the purple-and-gold Diamond Bar High School marching band--my band, and I slowly realized that it was my band during the time that I was in it, during my senior year, and wait...

"Hey! There's me!!!"

They showed the front of the band a few times, and I got a glimpse of myself marching along in my purple-and-gold uniform and playing the clarinet (not a pretty sight, I should say). Now, I hardly ever watch the Tonight Show, first of all, and that it would be that exact parade footage, from that exact time that we marched by...now that's a coincidence.

*************

And now more coincidence and connection stories from my weekend. This turned into an account of almost everything I did this past weekend, so please stop reading now if you don't want to be bored:

On Friday night I went to happy hour (well, a happy hour that turned into a 10-hour, 4-bar, 2-food establishment night), and Tracy's friend who was visiting from out of town came out, and he brought a friend who bore an uncanny resemblance to Hugh Grant. The next morning Rose and I were talking about the resemblance, and not ten minutes or so later I got a text from her. She was walking in Central Park and saw the REAL Hugh Grant walk by! I kid you not.

And more about that happy hour, it started as a work thing, but as I often do, I extended the invitation out to others. Now, usually when I do this, maybe one or two people end up coming out, but this time, maybe it was because it was a Friday right after the holiday, I had a ton of friends from different walks of life come out. Rose and her friends, my skydiving buddy Craig and his girlfriend, some of the Randoms, and of course my coworkers. And people kept asking how everyone else knew each other, and it was fun remembering. (One example: Eleanor's coworker Annabelle was roommates with Charlie, who interned with James, who went to school with Miguel, whose brother Jorge dated Jen, who went to college with Eveline, who I worked with.) We took over the Salt Bar for a good 4 hours. And if you've never been there, you must go just to try their bacon-wrapped-dates which are so good that we have dreams about them. Oh, and in honor of making the year 2007 two-thousand-and-risk, I tried a drink called the Bullshot that had beef bouillon and horse radish in it, and I liked it, dammit!

Saturday day was spent at brunch with my cousins Nate and Ingrid, and then a nice long walk in the park on a 70-degree day in January. Now, you'd think that connection is easy--cousins, right? But Ingrid is actually my step-cousin, as Ingrid's dad married my aunt about 4 years ago. And I guess Nate is my step-cousin-in-law. Right? So, what am I to their 2-month old baby Owen? His second-step-cousin?

Saturday night at Pete's housewarming party in Brooklyn was more of the same in terms of how people knew each other: Pete's originally a friend of a friend of a friend. There were other friends-of-friends there. And friend of a friend of a friend's coworkers. And friend of a friend of a friend's coworker's friend's friend. But hey, now we can all just say we're all just friends.

And on Sunday night, as I was heading out to watch Pan's Labyrinth (amazing movie), I got a call from a friend with a random question, and it turned out we were both heading to the same Times Square theater to watch movies (they were seeing Children of Men which I just saw last week), so we got to say hello in person outside of the theater. Another coincidence.

And I truly did not set out to tell you everything I did this weekend, but, well, there you go. A weekend in the life of me.

So that's the story of my Tonight Show appearance. And stories of coincidences and connections. I have more up my sleeve that I'll save for another day, but I'd love to hear your stories, too.

Oh, and I answered the anonymous query from the last post yesterday over at the Blue Rose Girl's blog.

What are the chances...

I'm not sure if this will be interesting to people who don't know Mathieu, but let me try and see anyway, because I love coincidences. Anyway, for future reference, this is me with my friend Mathieu:


He's a Random and also one of the "Frenchies" and back in August he moved back to France. So anyway, last Wednesday Sachin and I went to see a free improv show at the PIT (People's Improv Theater). We got there a bit early so hung out in the little lounge. There were these huge blown up photographs hung around the room like this:


I took a double take and looked at the middle one a bit closer...

Recognize him? Isn't that crazy? How random is that?!?!